Wow. In the space of a few months the hit television show Jon and Kate Plus Eight has gone from separation announcement to full on divorce war. While the Gosslein’s struggle to find peace in their divorce what can we learn from the public struggles of their divorce?
Say Less
While I can understand Jon and Kate wanting to present their side of the story to the public, they should really be saying less about each other. Talk about the kids, talk about your new life, but never, ever, disrespect the parent of your children. Do find friends to confide in during this difficult divorce time. Also, your kids don’t need to know gory details about mom and dad’s divorce. Really.
Limit Contact
While transitioning from separation to divorce you may need to limit contact with your Soon To Be Ex. (STBX) There I no need to call text or email your STBX (soon to be ex) several times a day. In fact, let this be a detox time, a time where you go through withdrawal from the constant contact with the person you are divorcing. For others, no contact with your STBX is the best way to help get over the hurt and on to the healing.
Crazy Time
This time of altered universe, between separation and divorce is called Crazy Time. Why? Crazy things happen. Cops get called, there may be rebound sex, new girl friends or boyfriends, accusations of law breaking, of money hiding, of physical or emotional abuse, of revenge. It lasts perhaps only a few months, in bad cases maybe a few years, but with children involved parents need to do all they can to stay mentally healthy to be there for their kids during this difficult divorce time.
Say Goodbye to Black or White
Try not to demonize your STBX. Your STBX believes they have their child’s best interest at heart just as you do. Understand that the irreconcilable differences are probably part of what has lead to divorce. Once you decide to divorce you no longer have to work on the issues of your marriage.
Not All Divorce is Bad
Sometimes the unlikeliest of people get married and then are unable to maintain a healthy relationship. It happens. Rather than spend thousands in couple therapy that never works out, some couples choose to divorce. Not all divorce is bad, and it is good to have a legal alternative to staying married and miserable. Life is short, why waste it in an unhappy marriage? Alternatively, if you think your marriage is worth saving, you should invest in some couples therapy. Ten years of a committed relationship is worth investing in, don’t you think?
Focus on the Kids
I know it’s cliché but kids really do suffer the most during any divorce. Mom and dad splitting up is like losing faith in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and maybe even in god, all overnight. Make sure you talk to your kids about what is going on and make sure they have available resources for their mental health such as play or talk therapy. Your kids will be scarred by your divorce, but your job is to make sure the scars heal so that your child can go on to have happy and healthy relationships as adults.
Get Support
Getting a divorce can be the most stressful time of your entire life. Make sure you surround yourself with friends and family members who care about you and love you. There are also some great online support groups for people going through a divorce.
The official Jon and Kate Plus Eight is here.
